Cold Creek Getaway in Fish Taco

Okay, I admit that I’m having a man-crush on my Tacoma.  I feel like a little boy who got the Christmas present he had been harassing his parents for since Halloween. I could easily succumb to the temptation to run away to distant places every weekend.  Maybe that’s what happens to a truck owner after driving Dodge Dakotas for 18 years.

But, I can’t give in to those childish impulses, at least not completely. There remain certain relational responsibilities to Jesus, my wife, my daughter, and my employer (even if the job is a part-time arrangement). And besides, the infatuation with road trip adventures would eventually wane and I’d emerge from my delusional fog one day to discover my wife and daughter have left me due to my abandonment of them.

Of course it’s more complicated than that. I love my wife deeply, but I’ve learned over these past 38 years it takes a consistent effort to stay actively present in her life and my children’s lives. If you don’t pay attention, you can easily take your spouse for granted. That can lead to miscommunication, or no communication, which results in drifting apart. It can be a marriage death march.

Being a Christian, I am so thankful for the Word, the Scriptures. Those who are unfamiliar with the Bible may not realize the depth of wisdom it contains regarding relationships, especially the marriage commitment. It teaches that in marriage “two become one” (Mark 10:5-9).  The Pharisees were trying to trap Jesus on the issue of divorce. While He explained to them that divorce decrees were allowed under Moses’ leadership as a concession for “hardened hearts,” the truth is that marriage creates a new unity, a “we” if you will.  This is not to mean that the two parties cease to remain individuals, but that they are to become a sacred unit. 

So how is it possible to remain “we” for half a century or longer? Isn’t it a reasonable expectation that couples drift apart over time? Isn’t divorce a reasonable option for couples with irreconcilable differences? For a Christian based perspective on this worldly viewpoint, read this article by Steven Kalas, a locally noted Nevada author, therapist and Episcopal priest (SKalas@marinscope.com):

Jay Haley (1923-2007) is amongst my heroes in my chosen profession. I’ve read everything he’s ever written. I traveled to hear him speak. He was brilliant.

And I’d like to sorta quote him now. ‘Sorta quote’ means I can’t remember the exact quote, but the gist is: “Divorce might be legally possible, but it might not be actually impossible. You just end up adding another person to the marriage bed.”

When I first heard this from Haley in 1990, I knew immediately what he meant, because I’d heard someone else say the same thing all my life, just a little more poetically: “What God has joined together, let no one put asunder.” That would be Jesus’ teaching on divorce in the Gospel of Mark.

If you know biblical Greek, Jesus is not so much saying “You’re not allowed to divorce,” or “You’re a bad, unforgivable person if you divorce.” It’s more, “You can’t. Literally. You aren’t able to. You’re welcome to go live in separate residences and resume a dating life, but, you’ll find it’s not as simple as banging a gavel. So good luck with that.”

These two guys, by way of two different paths, are on to something. And I have no religious motive for piling on here. This comes strictly from 25 years of clinical experience. Every day I see the Jesus-Haley axiom play itself out in my office. It’s amazing how many divorced people never really get around to actually being divorced. Actually living separate lives. Years later they are still ‘processing’ the marriage and the break-up. Still never more than a few sentences away from eruptions of pain and indignation.

Over and over I say to divorcing and divorced couples: “Anger is a bonding agent. It is very intimate. Only people who want to work on a great marriage have any reason to argue and fight. Only people doing the work of great love have any reason to pick through the minutia of who said what that night when we promised each other we would never blah-blah-blah …

Couples marry. They live their lives closely and intimately. Then they divorce … and live their lives closely and intimately. Still trying to be ‘right.’ This is the behavior of two people still desperately bonded. Still profoundly invested in the other’s opinion. A.K.A., still ‘married.’

And don’t even get me started on the subject of divorced people still having sex. Sex is a curious strategy for severing ties.

Jesus is making a theological point; Haley, a psychoanalytic one. But they are saying the same thing. The marriage symbol is big medicine, even if you don’t embrace it from a religious point of view. The marriage bond ‘lives.’ Especially if that marriage made babies. And it’s really, really strange and odd and awkward and confusing to live singly or enter a new partnership with this other ontic albatross swinging around your neck.

Singer/songwriter Amy Rigby’s song “The Trouble With Jeanie” (2005) is a droll and honest examination of this reality. It’s from the point of view of a new wife in regular and close relationship with her husband’s ex-wife:

“Jeanie is my new husband’s ex wife

It looks like she’s gonna be a part of my life

Cuz there’s a couple of kids and 20-some years they share

So I guess Jeanie isn’t going anywhere

How can I pick up where she never left off

We’re like a club of two who’s seen him with his clothes off

And there’s nowhere to hide because it’s all out in the light

Can I help if I’m a little bit uptight”

I’m not saying a quality, post-marital single life isn’t possible. Nor saying a quality, even redemptive new matedness and/or marriage isn’t possible. But, to embrace either, a wise person takes seriously the living significance of a former marriage. It behooves us to be conscious and intentional in setting boundaries to manage that psychic reality, lest it interminably leach into your efforts to live your new life well.

Thinking of divorce? Don’t ever kid yourself that it’s a mere legal maneuver. What divorce sets in motion is something that will ricochet across your path for a long, long time. In some ways, forever. Again, especially if you made babies together.

I don’t say this to invite guilt. I say it so that, should divorce regrettably prove impossible not to choose, you’ll be ready. You won’t be surprised and naïve. You’ll be intentional to manage the immutable reality and ensuing complications that will inevitably be a part of your future.

Especially if you ever fall in love again and wish to thrive in a new, redeeming life partnership.

“Don’t Kid Yourself: Divorce is Forever” by Steven Kalas

For Christians it may be helpful to first recognize that we are all sinners by virtue of our selfish, prideful focus on our personal happiness based on the world’s standards, not God’s (Romans 3:12-18). The cure for that deadly self-centered attraction is to pursue and receive the gift of the Holy Spirit and to allow Him to change our perception of values, to reject the world’s carnal values in favor of His. Apostle Paul says this will renew our minds. (Romans 12:2). This spiritual relationship is further described in Ephesians 5:15-20 and other similar verses.

When we allow ourselves to be in the presence of the Holy Spirit, scripture takes on new relevance and truth in our lives. When I am centered on my relationship with Jesus, I am able to re-align with my family relationships, especially with my wife. For example, Ephesians 5:21-33 describes how I am to love my wife. When I find myself straying from my commitment to be “radically present” in my marital and familial relationships I remind myself what the Lord’s, not the world’s, version of love is supposed to look like by reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-13, likely the most often read verses at weddings of all sorts.

For an expanded version of marriage fidelity and its various infidelity entrapments, read this related article titled “True Fidelity Isn’t Only About Sex,” also by Steven Kalas (SKalas@marinscope.com):

At the heart of marriage is the covenant pledge of fidelity.

Now, ask around, and you’ll find that, when most folks hear the word “fidelity,” they immediately think of conjugal faithfulness. That is, I promise never to have sex with anybody else, ever. (Side note: It’s almost always a bad sign if, a few years into a marriage, your mate asks for your definition of what technically constitutes ‘having sex.’)

Beyond actual sex, most couples also put the kabash on extramarital kissing, nuzzling, lap dances, skinny-dipping, massaging, showering, dating, nude photography, private porn habits, vacationing, strip poker, lurid banter, breast exams, getting one hotel room to “save money,” erotic emails/text messages, midnight IMing, Facebook preoccupations, and exchanging lingerie for Christmas.

Understandable. No argument from me. You want a thriving marriage? I’d avoid the above list of activities, unless your partner in those activities is your mate. In which case I’m a big fan of the list. Except for the private porn habit, because, by definition, a thriving marriage is one wherein you will no longer find it interesting or necessary to cultivate a private sex life.

But, how and when did we decide to automatically associate fidelity with sexuality, and that alone? I think the answer is because that definition is, well, easier. It gets us off the hook.

Let’s make it harder. Let’s recover a deeper definition of fidelity. One that will involve ever-so-much more intention, rigor, and commitment: Marital fidelity is the promise of “Radical Presence.” Every day. For the rest of your life.

I promise to be Radically Present. I promise to show up for this relationship, chiefly by promising to show up for my own life. I promise that my “I” will be forever grounded in our “We.” I will cultivate habits that nurture our connection. I will be alert to notice habits which presume upon our connection. Take it for granted. While, on any given day, any number of things might rightly and urgently require my energy and attention, I promise not to allow anything to comprehensively subordinate the primacy of We.

Told you I was gonna make it harder. Now you’ll never again be able to hide behind the lame “I know I’m a faithful mate and a good husband/wife because I’ve never had sex with anyone else.”

Now you have to repent from Vocational Infidelity – chronically subordinating your marriage to your work. It’s not okay to tell your mate “I’ll hook up with you when I retire, baby.” That’s wrong. That’s an infidelity. You might make a lot of money, but you’ll likely be spending it alone. Or on divorce attorneys.

Give me a nickel for every time I’ve heard a wife complain about her husband’s mistress, whose name is “Work,” and you and I will go to Maui and retire.

Now you have to repent from Parental Infidelity – chronically subordinating your marriage to your role as mother or father. It’s not okay to tell your mate, “I’ll hook up with you when the last kid is 18, sweetie.” That’s wrong. That’s an infidelity. Your kids might get a lot of your attention, but they’ll never learn how to honor the primacy of a quality love relationship. And they’ll likely have to be making TWO stops for Thanksgiving and Christmas with the grandkids.

Give me a nickel for every time I’ve heard a husband complain about his wife’s paramour, whose name is “The Kids,” and you and I will buy Maui and retire.

Over-fascination with video games, television, and cyberspace chat rooms. Abandoning care for your health and vitality. Hobbies, friends, ice cream & Doritos, boredom, under-employment, unwillingness to seek treatment for depression, poor grooming, poor hygiene, over-zealous religion/yoga/fishing/you-name-it, addictions, graduate school, unwillingness to set appropriate boundaries with fused, intrusive ‘family-of-origin’ relationships – all of these things can be infidelities. Each can tempt you to feel entitled to and then habituate being less than Radically Present to your marriage and your mate.

It’s wrong to wake up in the middle of a marriage, shrug your shoulders, then passively and unilaterally decide you’re no longer interested in sex. That is an egregious infidelity. And it’s just plain mean.

When you take the wider view, not having sex with anyone else might be the easiest part of marital fidelity. All you gotta do is keep your pants on. Say “no.”

Deeper fidelity means saying “yes,” again every day, to being Radically Present to the life of this man or this woman you said you would love, honor, and cherish.

“True Fidelity Isn’t Only About Sex” by Steven Kalas

All that said, I admit that my three-hour trip to Cold Creek as the sun peeked over Frenchman Mountain was very satisfying, but certainly can never replace the importance and satisfaction of my marriage fidelity and all that relates to it.

I pray that if you are married, or even if you plan to be married, you will discover the immense blessings from a Christ filled marriage where two, indeed become one.